Chapter One

Tonight... I just want to write. I don't know what I am going to write about, but I have read in multiple places that it can be very therapeutic to just write whatever is on your heart and mind and that it can help rid of you anxiety. I think I want to write because I love to write. I have always loved it. All though out my school years I would stress over taking a test, but writing a paper came so easily to me. I was able to think clearly and write efficiently. I was always pleased with my grades and pleased with the work I had produced. Since I have left school I haven't written hardly anything. I write work emails all day and write letters to the missionaries in our family but that has been the extent of my writing. As you might guess, those types of writing are hardly theraputic.

I feel like I have so many things to write and to tell, yet I keep all of my thoughts and feelings to myself. Is this selfish? is this healthy? I am not sure. My wife and I recently celebrated our 2 year anniversary. Hard to believe that two years has come and gone. I often think of what life was like before we met. Life was much simpler. I only had to worry about myself. Kind of amazing if you think about it. Not that I would change anything. I love my wife and daughter dearly, but the stress that comes with it is sometimes hard to handle. I deal with stress reasonably well until recently. I will touch base on that later. Back to why marriage has been so great. When you are single you can't help but feel that there is a void that needs to be filled. Man is not made to be alone. We always search for our partner. The stress of trying to find someone was hard and stressful. I am glad I am not in that position anymore. When my wife and I met. It was like the world stood still. We were broke, but that didn't matter. We didn't stress about finances, or the future. Life was good and the living was easy. Our wedding was straight out of a storybook. We were spoiled beyond belief. It was a wonderful celebration for us, our love and for our family. I often wish I could go back to that day. Would I do these two years differently knowing what I know now? I don't know.

During the days and weeks approaching our wedding I remember many people wanting to give their advice. Did I listen and take notes? No. I probably should have. I remember one older couple that told us, "Never go to bed mad or upset at eachother" We blew that one multiple times. Let's just say I have slept on the coach a time or two. Speaking of disagreements, when things are going good I am stressed and worried that it is the "calm before the storm". And more often then not. It is. Will this cycle ever end? Who knows. We are at that stage in life where we are figuring things out. We have added a lot on our plate. More than most couples. In our 2 years of marriage I finished my undergrad, my wife gave birth to our beautiful baby girl, we purchased our first home, and have changed jobs 4 times. Who does that? I don't know many 22, 23 or 24 year olds that have accomplished that much. I now know why. It is hard work. On the flip side, we have also been taken trips to Hawaii, Norway, Sweden, Seattle, and California about 6 times. Can't complain about that. Why am I complaining? I don't know. That is just it. I seem to have EVERYTHING, yet at the same time I feel like I have nothing. How can that be?

I think part of the problem is that I am still at the age where I am trying to figure out my identity. I am trying to figure out what I want to do for a career. We are trying to establish our family and this world is so unstable it is hard to do it.